To My Feminist Friends (A Rant)

I have a couple friends who are feminists, and this post is to/about them.

Hey guys. It's cool that you're young women who stand up for your female rights. It's cool that you're willing to show everyone how powerful you are and how everyone is created equal and you're just expressing yourselves. I'm cool with that.

There's a couple things I'm not cool with, however.

For one, in English class (we're reading The Scarlet Letter for those who don't know), you don't have to disagree with every male character's standpoint. Let's get this straight. It's set in Puritan times, where almost everyone is super-religious and men and women had different roles in everyday life. Keep that in mind when you read the book. It bothers me that whenever you see something even remotely sexist, you blow it up into a big deal about how wrong it is. Like when Hester's husband is saying something like "You belong to me, yaddah yaddah yaddah". You got all flustered because in your eyes, he was saying that he owned her or whatever. Slow down, crazies. He probably meant something along the lines of "We belong together" or something lovey-dovey like that. Even if it was a connotation of ownership, that was just the time period. Who are we to judge people for what went on back then? We weren't there, so what information do we have to go off of? Words in a book? That was the CULTURE people were used to. They didn't know any other way of life, so that was acceptable for them. Of course it's not acceptable now, a lot of things in other cultures that are around today aren't acceptable to us, but what gives us the right to judge them for it? All I'm asking is that you keep your minds open to new, foreign ideas, and freak out when something comes up that you disagree with.

Also, I'm all for equal opportunities for both sexes. Discrimination is one of the main things I despise. But can we set some reasonable goals here? If you apply for a job or something, the person who's hiring is going to want someone who is able to do the job efficiently. Especially with applying for leadership roles, like as a construction manager, they're gonna want someone who can effectively get people to work and give orders and such. So when you get turned down for a job like that, don't be angry at them for discrimination if they picked a man for the job instead. Be realistic. Are you able to handle the job? Do people see you as being able? If not, you need to work on yourself before criticizing people. They probably just thought the guy would be a better fit for the job. Can you blame them for wanting to get work done quickly and efficiently? No, because that's what we all strive for. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying men are better at everything, because they're obviously not (take childbirth for example. They'd suck at that). What I am trying to say, though, is that certain genders are more suitable for some specific roles. It's okay for women to be construction workers and men to be fashion designers (this will bring me into a different topic about my dad and homophobia, we'll save it for another time). It's acceptable. I know, sometimes people simply discriminate against women, but that's life. Life isn't fair. Deal with it, and I'm sorry for saying this, but stop being self-righteous bitches 90% of the time. We're humans; we agree and disagree, we all have differences, we all have flaws, and that's just the way it is. GET OVER YOURSELVES.

Also, if you're angered by this post and want to argue with me, by all means, hit me up on Facebook or Twitter or email (parczany@sbcglobal). Hey, while we're at it, maybe we'll settle some of our differences.

~Das Ende~

How to Walk Away from an Argument Like a Boss

We've all been in those situations. You're having an intense, heated debate. It could be about something as trivial as the color shirt you want to wear today and your mom doesn't agree that it matches, or it could be about a really serious topic like the morality and ethics of selling and eating unicorn meat. In any case, most fights aren't resolved with an "Oh, I guess you're right. I stand corrected." It's more like the two of you have no wittiness left from the argument and are left giving half-assed retorts like, "You're stupid and I hate you!" This is where I come in.

I know, coming up with funny things to say off the top of your head is difficult. If you often find yourself in rap battles where you're just left stumbling over your words, or if the prosecutor of your court hearing told the jury something astonishing you couldn't deny, then I'm here to offer you some tips for ending arguments with responses filled with wit of epic proportions. Let's begin.

There are many tactics you can employ to end an argument. I'll only elaborate on a few since I don't have the patience or time to go though every one. So some of these tactics are:  be vocabularious/use Olde English, confuse the shit out of them, insult them, resort to physically harming them (i.e. punching, kicking, elbowing in the face, knee to the balls), or a special response that is usually used for a different occasion. Since the second to last one requires you to actually know the techniques to use to inflict pain and I don't feel like going through every type of punch, elbow, or kick, I'll address that one first.

Physically Harming Them.
Basically, all you need to do is cause serious pain and then walk away quickly before anyone notices. You have to commit to causing pain before you even get into the conflict in the first place. Ask yourself, "Before I get into this potentially dangerous debate about Cookie Monster vs. Vegetable Monster, am I willing to kick this person in the shins or throw a right hook if things go bad?" If your answer is no, consider staying out of any and all arguments.

Confuse the Shit out of Them
For this one, it's open-ended. Just say something that will leave them thinking "What the hell is he smoking???" You may not have any ideas about how to go about confusing someone, so here are some ideas. You can ask a rhetorical question like "If the cat has nine lives, does the monkey eat pudding?" and make them think about the nature of the universe as a whole. You can also speak in a different language if you are fluent (this also goes with the vocabularious/Olde English one) and prompt them to go home and Google Translate what they heard you say and get something completely different. Those are just starters, though. Be creative. If you do this well enough, your adversary will hurt itself in its confusion and FAINT.

Insult Them

All you really need to do for this one is memorize a bunch of really clever Yo Mama jokes and just spit them like hot fire at your opponent.

Be Vocabularious/Use Olde English
One thing I despise is a small vocabulary. Use big words (that you know the definition to) and stun them with your haphazardly-strewn-together string of fancy sparkliness. They won't know what hit them. Olde English is an amazing tool to use when you're at a loss of words. Just learn the patterns and correct usage of words like thou, thy, thee, thine, etc. and it'll come like second nature when you need it. What makes it funnier is if you work in an insult or a threat into your Olde English rant. Here's an example of what I'm talking about:

Dost thou jeer or jest? I scoff at thee, for thy simple mind dost not realize the strength of my right hook, or the velocity at which it will reach thine abhorred visage. Linger not, naive child, for my roundhouse is equally fearsome.

Special Response:

This. Just use this.
And if that doesn't work, do THIS.

Now, whenever you employ these tactics, you have to execute them with speed and efficiency, then walk away. Don't linger around to see their reaction. Just walk away like you're BAMF Hugh Jackman walking away from a helicopter explosion.

Bing, bang, boom, argument won.

I Made a Decision Today

I made a decision today, and that decision was to quit Speech Team. I doubt anyone who reads this will really care, but here's why:

1. I'm certain that Hartnett hates me. Maybe it's because I procrastinate, or maybe it's because I'm not as funny or as charismatic as everyone else on the team. I've been going every Tuesday but she always seems to have time to work with everyone else but me.

2. New event/ I've been replaced. Last year I was in Humorous Duet Acting, but my partner from last year is working with someone else and nobody asked me to do a duet with them. When we were picking our events, both Pham and Hartnett agreed that my partner from last year was funnier than I was and that I was more the dramatic type. I chose to do Special Occasion Speaking, which is a solitary event. It's just different.

3. It's not the same team as last year. Last year we had all these amazing seniors and other really talented people, and I was able to go all 3 practice days and see everyone. This year, I also have martial arts, so I can't go all 3 days. Jack isn't doing competitions, which sucks because he was a big part of the team, plus there's a shit ton of freshman and newbies on the team who think they'll be good right off the bat.

4. I completely and utterly suck. It's not I'm-not-good-but-I'll-get-better, it's I-suck-at-speech-team-and-there's-no-chance-of-me-improving-and-I'd-definitely-hinder-the-team.

I also doubt that anyone on the team will miss me.

So yeah.

Seven Impossible Things Before Breakfast

If anyone's ever seen Alice in Wonderland or whatever that shit is, you'll know what this is. In the movie, Alice lists seven things that would ordinarily be impossible.

Here are my Seven Impossible Things

1. I'm the first thing someone thinks about when they wake up and the last thing they think about before they go to sleep.
2. My friends can tell that I'm depressed.
3. I'm good at art.
4. People think I'm funny.
5. I belong.
6. He likes me back.
7. I'm happy.

Testing, testing, 1-2-3

Okay, here's the deal. I want to see how many people read my blog without me linking to it on Facebook or DeviantArt. Every time I write a post, I put up a link to it on my FB wall so people know about it. I'd like to see if people read my blog regularly without me prompting them to do so.

Obviously I'm not putting up a link to this particular posting anywhere, so if you've thought something like, "Oh, Emily has a blog, I wonder if she has any new posts up? Let's go and see!" and you are now reading this, please post a comment below saying something like "I'm a regular reader" or "I stop by every now and then to see if you have anything new up". But if you're here because I put up a link to a different post and saw this one and said "I haven't read this one yet, let's see what it's about!" then please post a comment saying something along the lines of "I was linked to a different post and saw this one too".

Danke sehr, meine kleinen Kinder.
Auf Wiedersehen!

Quick Lessons

1. A Quick Lesson in the Importance of Reading Labels.

Yesterday we were on the way home from a weekend of camping in Wisconsin. We stopped at a gas station to fill up and get some snacks. Inside, I saw these little plastic guns on a shelf so I picked one up. And I pulled the trigger. The plastic gun, which I found out after the fact by reading the sticker on the side, was a gag gun that shocks you when you pull the trigger. I learned that the hard way. The shock wasn't seizure-inducing, but it was still quite a jolt.

Lesson learned: Read the labels before pulling the trigger.

2. A Quick Lesson in Preparedness

After gym today, I was putting on my worn-out ratty Converse knock-off shoes when the laces on the left shoe snapped. Initially, I panicked, thinking I'd have to walk around the rest of the day with a loose shoe. Then I realized that I had spare shoelaces in my backpack as part of my EDC (Every Day Carry). I walked to my next class with one shoe on, and then I promptly replaced the broken shoelace with the spare. I finished my day with no other shoe problems. Crisis averted.

Lesson learned: Prepare, think ahead, and keep a spare pair of shoelaces in your backpack.

Unicorn Poop in a Bowl and Nuked for a couple minutes (Delicious Recipe)

Okay, it's like 1-ish in the morning and Schotzy and I just made a Nutella MMC. That's right, bitches. An NMMC. Be jeally.

Let me just say that this cake is one of the most delicious things I've ever eaten in my life. And I'm sharing this recipe with you because I feel the need to bless the rest of the world with this creation.

Here we go:

INGREDIENTS, BITCHES.
4 tbsp flour
4 tbsp white granulated sugar
1 egg
3 tbsp cocoa powder
3 tbsp Nutella
3 tbsp milk
3 tbsp olive or veggie oil

NOW
Combine all ingredients in large coffee mug (a bowl works well also, but make sure it's microwave-safe). Whisk with a fork or the like until smooth (Schotzy did a most excellent job with this step). Nuke on high for 1 1/2 to 3 minutes.

MAKES 1 SIZEABLE SERVING.

I promise you if you do it right it'll taste delicious. My description was, "This tastes like a unicorn pooped in a bowl and we just decided to microwave it." but you can draw your own conclusions.

We did not make this recipe and take no credit for coming up with it. Whoever did, go thank them because they are fucking geniuses.

That is all.