How to Walk Away from an Argument Like a Boss

We've all been in those situations. You're having an intense, heated debate. It could be about something as trivial as the color shirt you want to wear today and your mom doesn't agree that it matches, or it could be about a really serious topic like the morality and ethics of selling and eating unicorn meat. In any case, most fights aren't resolved with an "Oh, I guess you're right. I stand corrected." It's more like the two of you have no wittiness left from the argument and are left giving half-assed retorts like, "You're stupid and I hate you!" This is where I come in.

I know, coming up with funny things to say off the top of your head is difficult. If you often find yourself in rap battles where you're just left stumbling over your words, or if the prosecutor of your court hearing told the jury something astonishing you couldn't deny, then I'm here to offer you some tips for ending arguments with responses filled with wit of epic proportions. Let's begin.

There are many tactics you can employ to end an argument. I'll only elaborate on a few since I don't have the patience or time to go though every one. So some of these tactics are:  be vocabularious/use Olde English, confuse the shit out of them, insult them, resort to physically harming them (i.e. punching, kicking, elbowing in the face, knee to the balls), or a special response that is usually used for a different occasion. Since the second to last one requires you to actually know the techniques to use to inflict pain and I don't feel like going through every type of punch, elbow, or kick, I'll address that one first.

Physically Harming Them.
Basically, all you need to do is cause serious pain and then walk away quickly before anyone notices. You have to commit to causing pain before you even get into the conflict in the first place. Ask yourself, "Before I get into this potentially dangerous debate about Cookie Monster vs. Vegetable Monster, am I willing to kick this person in the shins or throw a right hook if things go bad?" If your answer is no, consider staying out of any and all arguments.

Confuse the Shit out of Them
For this one, it's open-ended. Just say something that will leave them thinking "What the hell is he smoking???" You may not have any ideas about how to go about confusing someone, so here are some ideas. You can ask a rhetorical question like "If the cat has nine lives, does the monkey eat pudding?" and make them think about the nature of the universe as a whole. You can also speak in a different language if you are fluent (this also goes with the vocabularious/Olde English one) and prompt them to go home and Google Translate what they heard you say and get something completely different. Those are just starters, though. Be creative. If you do this well enough, your adversary will hurt itself in its confusion and FAINT.

Insult Them

All you really need to do for this one is memorize a bunch of really clever Yo Mama jokes and just spit them like hot fire at your opponent.

Be Vocabularious/Use Olde English
One thing I despise is a small vocabulary. Use big words (that you know the definition to) and stun them with your haphazardly-strewn-together string of fancy sparkliness. They won't know what hit them. Olde English is an amazing tool to use when you're at a loss of words. Just learn the patterns and correct usage of words like thou, thy, thee, thine, etc. and it'll come like second nature when you need it. What makes it funnier is if you work in an insult or a threat into your Olde English rant. Here's an example of what I'm talking about:

Dost thou jeer or jest? I scoff at thee, for thy simple mind dost not realize the strength of my right hook, or the velocity at which it will reach thine abhorred visage. Linger not, naive child, for my roundhouse is equally fearsome.

Special Response:

This. Just use this.
And if that doesn't work, do THIS.

Now, whenever you employ these tactics, you have to execute them with speed and efficiency, then walk away. Don't linger around to see their reaction. Just walk away like you're BAMF Hugh Jackman walking away from a helicopter explosion.

Bing, bang, boom, argument won.