Public Bathrooms

Why are public bathrooms so awkward? I hope I'm not the only one who feels this way. You walk into the bathroom praying that no one else is in there. But no. There's one other person in the bathroom besides yourself, and this is scary shit.

So you're in a stall, and you're attempting to silence your pee by either pissing really quickly or really slowly. No matter what you do, though, everything in the bathroom is amplified ten times the level it should be at and nothing you try is stealthy. Even pulling toilet paper off the roll sounds like it would wake the dead. Meanwhile, you're hoping the other person doesn't judge you pecause of the intensity of your piss.

When you're all finished, you and the other person exit the stalls at the SAME TIME even if they were there first. As you go over to the sinks, both of you avoid eye contact, thinking, "DON'TLOOKATMEDON'TLOOKATMEDON'TLOOKATME...." and you hurry out of the bathroom with your hands half-washed.

But I have a proposal to make: All public bathrooms should play German techno music at full volume, so you can't hear ANYTHING except "untz untz untz Ja! untz untz untz Ja! untz untz untz Ja! untz untz untz..." This way, no one will be able to hear you pissing or dropping a deuce. Or just soundproof the stalls. But German techno is better.