Hey Y'all

I am Emily. Also known as Em, Emilay, Em-Shizzle (not really), Parcheesi, P-Dawg (yeah, no), Emily the Great, Ems, E, etc, etc.

I don't really feel like telling you about myself, for some of you know me already and if you don't, you find out stuff about me eventually.

Okay, fine. I'll give you the basics: I'm 14, my birthday is May 17, I'm a freshman at PR, I have a brother who'll be 11 soon, and I like art. I love the Chicago Blackhawks, Star Trek (in all sizes, shapes, and forms), LoTR, CSI, Mythbusters, Viral Video Film School, and superhero stuff. My favorite movies are X-Men Origins: Wolverine, The Shining, Star Trek (2009), Fido, and geeky stuff like that. Blah blah blah.

So yeah, this here's mah blog. I welcome you into my circle of stories and laughter. Let me regale (I love that word) you with eloquent words and fantastical stories.

Let's begin.

Today I would like to tell you about spiders. Yes, those little eight legged freaks that make men and women scream to the high heavens. There are two approaches that can be taken regarding the killing of these arachnids. You can a) squish it with a tissue or b) get someone else to squish it with a tissue.

I, however, do not take either measure, but have come up with my own. My process of killing spiders starts off with the search of an aerosol can containing Lysol, Febreeze, Oust, or any other air freshener (air freshener can be substituted with your dad's cologne that has gone bad). Step two consists of making sure that the spider is in no position to attack me. For example, if the spider is on the ceiling, my tactics will not work. In that case, I would resort to calling in backup, also known as Mom and a Swiffer Sweeper. Anyway, if the spider is not on the ceiling, I can continue the procedure accordingly. The third and final step is as follows: I take the air freshener or cologne in two hands as if the bottle contains mace and I am trying to burn the eyes of an assailant. Then I spray half the bottle/can at the spider and repeat the following phrase (this must be yelled to kill the spider properly; if this line is not shouted it will not work): "I WILL SMITE THEE!! BACK TO THE FIERY CHASM FROM WHENCE YOU CAME!!!" The spider then becomes too fresh for his own good, and keels over and dies.

The next time you see a spider in your abode, please take the above steps to ensure the arachnid is smote properly. If you don't, he'll call all his spider buddies and they'll crawl in your mouth while you're sleeping.

I wish you all the best when you kill your next spider. Good luck!